The comfort of having a friend may be taken away, but not that of having had one.

More and more people are opting to have an unattended cremation  or direct cremation for the one they have lost. This means the body is taken to a crematorium, no memorial service is held, the body is cremated and the ashes returned to the family / friend afterwards. This is by far the cheapest option, but for many it leaves a hole in the grieving process.

Since men began gathering in groups, we have used ceremony to mark important occasions. Births, marriages, deaths, the turn of the year, all marked by people gathering and someone speaking. There is power in ceremony and it certainly holds an important place in our society and our processes. 

 The stages of grief are a framework that helps people process change and adapt to a new reality. However, the grieving process looks different for everyone:

• You might not progress through each stage in a logical order, or you might not experience all of them.
• Your personality and strength may help you cope with some stages better than others.
• You might experience reversals, such as seeing-sawing through bouts of misery, anger, and depression. 

 The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: 

• Denial: A self-protective mechanism where you might disbelieve what's happening, isolate yourself, or avoid discussing the trauma. 
• Anger: A masking effect where you might redirect your anger at others or inanimate objects. 
• Bargaining: Part of the process of learning to live with the loss. 
• Depression: A symptom that can develop when you're grieving. 
• Acceptance: Part of the process of learning to live with the loss. 

The best way to have the budget choices of an unattended cremation, and still feel the closure that a ceremony brings, is to hold a memorial ceremony after the cremation. You can hire a village hall, a room in a pub or restaurant, or go to your favourite outside space, and share a ceremony. Afterwards, you can walk, eat and drink, or spend time quietly thinking. 

A Humanist Celebrant, like me, can help you to write a ceremony and hold the space for you, wherever you choose. 

We can include songs which we can sing along to or just listen to, poems, readings from books, life stories, games, and wishes for everyone else for the future. These will be woven together in my ceremony writing, in an order which takes you on a journey through the words to the end of the ceremony when we say our goodbyes. This might be when you plant the ashes under a tree, or scatter them, whatever you choose.

After the memorial the sense of relief and closure is always palpable. People often feel glad they did it, however hard it was. 

If you are interested in holding a memorial and would like me to help write and deliver it, please use the contact form to get in touch.